Posts tagged "70’s"

That 70’s Cop show

Hot Fuzz meets Life on Mars
Written by Mark Keegan
Ectectera Theatre at 7.30

June 26th-July 1st (6.30)

Un PC cops PLODD & COPPAfrom the 70’s meet up with their new boss in the PC obssesed noughties

COPPA ( John Thaw type) at his desk, He reads a copy of ‘Loaded’, Plodd ( Dennis waterman type) stands behind him, reading his magazine.

COPPA This 21st century lark’s not so bad after all. there’s some right tasty tarts these days!

PLODD Not wrong there, Guv

COPPA I’d love to get my leg over with that bird outa Pirates of the Carribean-Kiera …Kiera?

PLODD Knightly

COPPA Nightly? I’d settle for twice weekly, it’s not all good news

PLODD What is it, Guv?

COPPA They’ve only gone an appointed some bird as our new super

PLODD (sacastic) Super

COPPA Probably some Tart with a third-class degree and a briefcase full of tampons! I tell you, Jerry I aint gonna stand for it!

A SHORT BLONDE WOMAN-HELEN MUTTON enters,she wers a smart jacket and skirt

MUTTON In that caes you’d better take it lying down

COPPA Who the bleedin’ are you?

MUTTON I’m chief Superintendant Detective Inspector Dame Helen Mutton( pause0 And for he record I keep my tampons in a holster

COPPA Great,So when There’s a shootout you can’t defend yourself but at least you can stop the bleeding

PLODD Nice one, Guv!

MUTTON Oh, and I’ve got a first class honours degree, two commediations for bravery from the National Police Federation and three BAFTA nominations for ‘Best Actress in a gritty two=part Police Drama’

COPPA You expect me to be impressed, do you? Listen, sweet heart, I was starring n gritty police dramas when you were pouncing about on stage with the Royal bleedin’ Shakespeare Company. and I had to solve the crime and nick all the villains in a single self contained episode

PLODD Yeah! And in 1977 we got voted third best double act by TV times reader after Morecambe and Wise and mork and Mindy

COPPA Mork and Mindy?

PLODD You remember, Guv. the bloke who went ” nanu-nanu” and the bird with the pigtails and a tight sweater

COPPA Oh, yeah. They were a great pair

PLODD (pause) and that Robin Williams was good too

COPPA and PLODD are lost in a dream. MUTTON coughs.COPPA and PLODD snap out their reverie

MUTTON Your stroll down mammary lane might be making all misty y-fronted but there’s work to do

PLODD I know that, love,but..

MUTTON Don’t you ‘Love’ me!

COPPA Love you? He hardly knows you.But I’m sure he’ll you bunk up in the back of ‘is cortina if you ask him nicely

MUTTON Ask nicely! ask nicely? I don’t have to ask you two Neanderthals for anything. I’m chief Superintendant Detective Inspector Dame round here. That means I’m in charge, I call the shots and I give the orders. Got a problem with that

COPPA Matter of fact I have, I don’t need some ice-cool blonde bossin’ me around, I got my image to think of

MUTTON Your image?

COPPA I’m a rough, tough 1970’s police officer-I drink cofee out of plastic cups,scotch out of mugs

MUTTON (intense) In that case…yo’re just the man for the job

COPPA What job?

MUTTON Making my tea.Herbal.No sugar

COPPA What if I refuse?

MUTTON Then it won’t be your guts I have for garters, it’ll be your..

COPPA Balls!!!!

PLODD Exactly, Ex” bleeding” actly!

MUTTON And when you’ve done that! you can tidy your desk and sort our files

PLODD and your drawers?

MUTTON if you’re up to it?

COPPA Do what?

MUTTON Oh I forgot you’re a man-you can’t mult-task

COPPA Well that’s where you’re wrong. As a matter of fact I’m multi-tasking right now

MUTTON Really, how so?

COPPA yeah I’m talking to you? and looking at your tits at the same time

Duration : 0:0:17

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Posted by mark - February 6, 2017 at 5:18 pm

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