That 70’s Cop show
Hot Fuzz meets Life on Mars
Written by Mark Keegan
Ectectera Theatre at 7.30
June 26th-July 1st (6.30)
Un PC cops PLODD & COPPAfrom the 70’s meet up with their new boss in the PC obssesed noughties
COPPA ( John Thaw type) at his desk, He reads a copy of ‘Loaded’, Plodd ( Dennis waterman type) stands behind him, reading his magazine.
COPPA This 21st century lark’s not so bad after all. there’s some right tasty tarts these days!
PLODD Not wrong there, Guv
COPPA I’d love to get my leg over with that bird outa Pirates of the Carribean-Kiera …Kiera?
COPPA Nightly? I’d settle for twice weekly, it’s not all good news
PLODD What is it, Guv?
COPPA They’ve only gone an appointed some bird as our new super
PLODD (sacastic) Super
COPPA Probably some Tart with a third-class degree and a briefcase full of tampons! I tell you, Jerry I aint gonna stand for it!
A SHORT BLONDE WOMAN-HELEN MUTTON enters,she wers a smart jacket and skirt
MUTTON In that caes you’d better take it lying down
COPPA Who the bleedin’ are you?
MUTTON I’m chief Superintendant Detective Inspector Dame Helen Mutton( pause0 And for he record I keep my tampons in a holster
COPPA Great,So when There’s a shootout you can’t defend yourself but at least you can stop the bleeding
PLODD Nice one, Guv!
MUTTON Oh, and I’ve got a first class honours degree, two commediations for bravery from the National Police Federation and three BAFTA nominations for ‘Best Actress in a gritty two=part Police Drama’
COPPA You expect me to be impressed, do you? Listen, sweet heart, I was starring n gritty police dramas when you were pouncing about on stage with the Royal bleedin’ Shakespeare Company. and I had to solve the crime and nick all the villains in a single self contained episode
PLODD Yeah! And in 1977 we got voted third best double act by TV times reader after Morecambe and Wise and mork and Mindy
COPPA Mork and Mindy?
PLODD You remember, Guv. the bloke who went ” nanu-nanu” and the bird with the pigtails and a tight sweater
COPPA Oh, yeah. They were a great pair
PLODD (pause) and that Robin Williams was good too
COPPA and PLODD are lost in a dream. MUTTON coughs.COPPA and PLODD snap out their reverie
MUTTON Your stroll down mammary lane might be making all misty y-fronted but there’s work to do
PLODD I know that, love,but..
MUTTON Don’t you ‘Love’ me!
COPPA Love you? He hardly knows you.But I’m sure he’ll you bunk up in the back of ‘is cortina if you ask him nicely
MUTTON Ask nicely! ask nicely? I don’t have to ask you two Neanderthals for anything. I’m chief Superintendant Detective Inspector Dame round here. That means I’m in charge, I call the shots and I give the orders. Got a problem with that
COPPA Matter of fact I have, I don’t need some ice-cool blonde bossin’ me around, I got my image to think of
MUTTON Your image?
COPPA I’m a rough, tough 1970’s police officer-I drink cofee out of plastic cups,scotch out of mugs
MUTTON (intense) In that case…yo’re just the man for the job
COPPA What job?
MUTTON Making my tea.Herbal.No sugar
COPPA What if I refuse?
MUTTON Then it won’t be your guts I have for garters, it’ll be your..
PLODD Exactly, Ex” bleeding” actly!
MUTTON And when you’ve done that! you can tidy your desk and sort our files
PLODD and your drawers?
MUTTON if you’re up to it?
COPPA Do what?
MUTTON Oh I forgot you’re a man-you can’t mult-task
COPPA Well that’s where you’re wrong. As a matter of fact I’m multi-tasking right now
MUTTON Really, how so?
COPPA yeah I’m talking to you? and looking at your tits at the same time
Duration : 0:0:17